Shot through the heart again

I feel like i set myself up for failure because I'm a glutton for punishment. I want to know if its possible to ever stop liking someone. I mean, if you're still the same person and they're still the same person who appeals to you, how can it ever? You can put a conscious effort into it, but all the key elements are still there. I mentally stamped someone with "Rejected me 100 times" and yet, i can't help but still feel very intensely about her. I regret ever being a "Family Matters" fan. Urkel was too much of an influence on my approach to getting a girlfriend. That sort of thing is funny on tv, but creepy in real life. 101 rejections later, i still haven't learned. And it's impossible to wear a girl down to the point where she will date you out of pity. Seriously. It's impossible. Trust me. I've tried.

I suppose i shouldn't have modeled my courting rituals after a bespectacled, annoying, incredibly geeky dude with pants up to his nipples and a penchant for pungent cheeses. I'm not smart enough. But what's done is done.

You'll forever be my Laura Winslow...

What could have been

So i have this friend that i used to like. It seems like ages ago in fact, that i first laid eyes on her and declared her mine. But as with many endeavors of the heart, this was destined to sit in the annals of unrequited love as the single most futile attempt i ever made. fast forward a few years. She's deeply involved, im deeply involved, and yet, im still in love. We remained friends and althought i thought i could do it, i can't. I'm never going to be with her but i can't help but feel the the way i do. I don't think it'll ever completely go away. I wish it would. I want to open up my veins and bleed it out of my heart. But i know it won't make a difference. I don't make a difference. I know i have friends and family who love me and care about me, but i think maybe its time i say goodbye. Not because i want to; giving them up is the hardest thing im ever going to do.

This life i live is killing me.

I wish i could tell her. how do i tell her. How do i open my mouth and let loose the words that threaten to ruin the very fabric of my friendship, one that i value so dearly?

I'd like to say that i would be better for her, but truth is, i don't know for certain. I know i would be commited to her happiness with an unmitigating determination that would cower the devil himself, but that alone wouldn't be enough. It never is. If you're out there and reading this, know that i love you. Always will.

Parallel lives

Forever plagued by the eternal what ifs, i finally crack. Buried beneath so many layers and years, behind a friendship full of fears and tears, a fire burns. It disgusts me how i lack the discipline to control the flames. They threaten to consume the very person i claim to love. Sometimes i imagine that its as easy as "once upon a time... and they lived happily ever after." It's never that simple. The substance, the filler is missing. Like they always say, the devil's in the details.

Perhaps the devil is what possessed me in the first place.

"_____, i still love you. After all these years, that torch i carry is still there. And i know we're both deeply involved, but i want to say that maybe i'd be better for you, even though secretly, i'm not sure that i am. I wish i could make you as happy as i think you'd make me. You just feel so right, i can't imagine this being wrong. I realize by saying this, i jeopordize our friendship and run the risk of losing you but i just can't take it anymore. Seeing you makes me ache beause i know that you aren't with me and sometimes it hurts so much it makes me wanna run away and never turn back..."