Is it the mirrors?

The blight of the real:
reds and blues frolic with green
as we rot in chairs.

Its a paradox;
people are watching people
live the lives they want.

Gone are the pages
filling books long forgotten
as yesterday's dust.

Words once opened minds,
an art replaced in HD,
by zeros and ones.

Who has time for The Catcher in the Rye
When everything now is in 1080i?

alternative lifestyle

How could i ever be bored? I wake up every morning at the same time, get on the train and see the same old faces, bitch when its a minute late, have my morning coffee and paper so that it won't upset my mundane, monotonous routine ride into the grinder, put on the same face at work close my eyes sometimes at my desk on a monday, open them again to find out its thursday of a different month, and the only way i realize is because I'm wearing a different tie... I'm telling you, that's the life! That's the soul sapping, life devouring, mind warping life that the monks and masters of east asian philosophy tell us about all the time, luring us away from the beauty of what we have, in our anonymous little semi-spaces with their majestic mountain tops, minimalistic life styles and serenity. How lame is that? I would much rather fall asleep on the train on the way home, end up somewhere in the middle of manhattan, not realizing if im going to work or leaving, and wondering in which direction I'm headed. seriously though, if a person has everything, they never crave anything. Wanting is what reminds us we live. It is that hunger for things that requires us to continue yearning for that which is novel, to prevent us from stagnating in the rut the wheel of time has cut into this earth for all of us to fall in.

I'm alone, wolf

The hardest thing to do in life is to live it. After many years of being an open book, it is time to close my tome. The friends i used to value so dearly, the ones i shared my most precious of all gifts, my life, are gone. They've moved on, away, to bigger and better things, and i do not blame them. Sometimes i can tell they look back and see me in the distance, a memory of a friend they once knew. Now, holding them at arm's length, hidden within the confines of the fortress i built based on the countless lies i've told over the years to protect myself, i find that i am no more. I once defined myself by my friends, relying on them to perpetuate my story long after i had vanished, but it's over. One day i locked myself into the closet with the one skeleton i could not show, and vanished forever behind the masquerade i now call life.

How do i dig through 3 years of lies and make things right again? Is it even possible? I suppose there's no point now, as i have strayed too far from the flock. I submit.

Birthdays are overrated, especially when it isn't yours.

My mother's birthday is finally over. I was able to deal with the immaturity throughout the day, the 'everything revolves around me' mentality was typical too, but the callous way in which she addressed me as i sat on the kitchen floor bleeding, was too much for me. I snapped. Sure, maybe i could've been a little more courteous, perhaps i shouldn't have raised my voice as i did, but to be someone's mom and not show any concern? She was never my ideal for what a mom should be; she's rude, childish, selfish, stubborn, lords her status over me as if we were in preschool and she was older than me, but goddamnit, she treats me without respect while she is beyond reproach. I can understand that she married too young, was robbed of her youth by a variety of factors and spent the last 15 years raising me and my brother on her own, but does that give her the right to do the same to me? must i now share a similar fate as her, with my childhood robbed, forced to the wheel of responsibility and adulthood so that she might reclaim her time? Should i be understanding and reasonable while she is irrational and self-absorbed? I know i sound ungrateful, she did give birth to me and raised my sorry ass for however long it was before she decided she had enough. But why can't she grow up already? Even a little? And if she isn't willing to, at least acknowledge the fact that maybe i have? I realize one day I'm going to miss her too much for words, and my under appreciation now will haunt me until my dying days, but I have nothing left, nowhere to vent, no shoulder to cry on, no bottomless glass to drown my sorrows in. But I have you, a blank page, an empty space, an anonymous audience.

Shot through the heart again

I feel like i set myself up for failure because I'm a glutton for punishment. I want to know if its possible to ever stop liking someone. I mean, if you're still the same person and they're still the same person who appeals to you, how can it ever? You can put a conscious effort into it, but all the key elements are still there. I mentally stamped someone with "Rejected me 100 times" and yet, i can't help but still feel very intensely about her. I regret ever being a "Family Matters" fan. Urkel was too much of an influence on my approach to getting a girlfriend. That sort of thing is funny on tv, but creepy in real life. 101 rejections later, i still haven't learned. And it's impossible to wear a girl down to the point where she will date you out of pity. Seriously. It's impossible. Trust me. I've tried.

I suppose i shouldn't have modeled my courting rituals after a bespectacled, annoying, incredibly geeky dude with pants up to his nipples and a penchant for pungent cheeses. I'm not smart enough. But what's done is done.

You'll forever be my Laura Winslow...

What could have been

So i have this friend that i used to like. It seems like ages ago in fact, that i first laid eyes on her and declared her mine. But as with many endeavors of the heart, this was destined to sit in the annals of unrequited love as the single most futile attempt i ever made. fast forward a few years. She's deeply involved, im deeply involved, and yet, im still in love. We remained friends and althought i thought i could do it, i can't. I'm never going to be with her but i can't help but feel the the way i do. I don't think it'll ever completely go away. I wish it would. I want to open up my veins and bleed it out of my heart. But i know it won't make a difference. I don't make a difference. I know i have friends and family who love me and care about me, but i think maybe its time i say goodbye. Not because i want to; giving them up is the hardest thing im ever going to do.

This life i live is killing me.

I wish i could tell her. how do i tell her. How do i open my mouth and let loose the words that threaten to ruin the very fabric of my friendship, one that i value so dearly?

I'd like to say that i would be better for her, but truth is, i don't know for certain. I know i would be commited to her happiness with an unmitigating determination that would cower the devil himself, but that alone wouldn't be enough. It never is. If you're out there and reading this, know that i love you. Always will.

Parallel lives

Forever plagued by the eternal what ifs, i finally crack. Buried beneath so many layers and years, behind a friendship full of fears and tears, a fire burns. It disgusts me how i lack the discipline to control the flames. They threaten to consume the very person i claim to love. Sometimes i imagine that its as easy as "once upon a time... and they lived happily ever after." It's never that simple. The substance, the filler is missing. Like they always say, the devil's in the details.

Perhaps the devil is what possessed me in the first place.

"_____, i still love you. After all these years, that torch i carry is still there. And i know we're both deeply involved, but i want to say that maybe i'd be better for you, even though secretly, i'm not sure that i am. I wish i could make you as happy as i think you'd make me. You just feel so right, i can't imagine this being wrong. I realize by saying this, i jeopordize our friendship and run the risk of losing you but i just can't take it anymore. Seeing you makes me ache beause i know that you aren't with me and sometimes it hurts so much it makes me wanna run away and never turn back..."

Dreamed a dream she never died..

I'm asleep, but only half so, and it's in this limbo of semi-consciousness that, as of late, i have found myself crossing a non-descript road, sometimes busy, sometimes desolate, always unidentifiable. It's when im almost to the other side that i see a small child chasing a ball into the path of an oncoming vehicle. I never react. It isn't until i see who is driving, a friend of a former life who i wronged so deeply and so irrevocably that i shall never forget, much less ask forgiveness from. I immediately dive after the child, more for me than to spare the kid, and throw him out of harm's way just as the steely skin of her car throws me clear into the windshield. I feel every bone break and blood pouring from countless wounds, and i can't help but smile because i know its over. I know it'll never be even, but i know this is as close as i'll ever get to making it up to her. The car skids to a halt, a trail of rubber 3 car lengths long, and i land clear of where i was standing just moments before. She runs over with genuine concern and her face is at once a mask of empathy and shocked recognition as i call out her name. she kneels down and cradles my bloody head in her arms, her tears burning my face as they roll off her cheek and onto mine. The sun is directly overhead, a light i can't help but stare into, searing her darkened silhouette into my fading vision. I call to her one final time and reach up, touching her face, to see with my own hands the final visage of a friend i failed so long ago, unforgiven.

Up in smoke

I try a bridge but its almost done
The sky is black and full of ash
why can't i cross?
my soul is nearly lost,
I think my time has past

I'm at the edge and my mind is gone
I can see it floating by.
What once was whole
is now eating at my soul.
It makes me want to die.

So I must
live like a liar
Pretending i don't know...
I must
live like a liar
and let it show.